What’s gwan inna wa cwantry?”
“What language is that?”
“English of course.”
“Sounds like Creole to me. Why don’t you just talk
straight?”
“Nobody talks straight in this country anymore.”
“I still talk straight. I can’t start twisting
my tongue because some people have lost it.”
“Okay, I was asking what is going on in our country?”
“Is that a direct question or a sly comment?”
“Just answer the question”
“What I know is that we are now truly, a country of
hyenas, jackals, and small animals. A big animal kingdom, but when the
First Lady Aisha Buhari drew attention to this, recently, we all started
screaming that she was rather condescending but right now, with what I am
seeing and hearing, I believe she will be vindicated in the long run.”
“I see.”
“We, the people are obviously the small animals. In an
animal kingdom, the bigger animals do what they like with the smaller ones, and
they dare not complain.”
“But you still haven’t answered my question”
“My friend, why must I always be the one to tell you
what is going on in this country? When you want to be mischievous, that is when
you ask funny questions. Are we not in this country together? Don’t you listen
to the news like everyone else? So, why should I become your newspaper and
internet combined. Stop it. But for just this last time, I will use my church
mind to tell you that the latest development is photography as a tool of
governance. Some APC Governors and party leaders just visited President Muhammadu
Buhari in London. They had lunch with him and took photographs.”
“I know about that. I actually saw the photos too. But
the whole thing doesn’t look straight to me.”
“It doesn’t look crooked to me either. People have
been complaining that the President of Nigeria is missing in action and they
need to know that he is still alive. So, they provide a photograph of him
having lunch with his party members and loyalists. How is that a problem for
you? We should be glad that the President is getting well.”
“Who took the photograph?”
“We are in a digital age. Anybody at all could have
taken the photograph?”
“You can’t just ask anybody to take the President’s
photograph. It is either you have a media crew on ground, who will take both
still and motion pictures, that is photos and videos, or you invite the media,
both local and foreign to capture the scene.”
“Who says that is the only way to cover a Presidential
occasion?”
“Everything a President does is supposed to be
properly documented.”
“What is your problem? They showed us the President
having lunch with his guests. And there was another photograph taken by the
guests.”
“Where are the establishment shots, and the video, and
the audio?”
“Those people didn’t go there to establish anything.
They went to do eye-service!”
“You don’t get it. Rather than just show the President
and his guests at the dining table, they should have shown us the President
welcoming his guests, chatting with them, and NTA should have shown us an
actual video as part of the nine o’clock Network News. And what kind of
lunch was that? It looked like they just placed a bunch of banana in front of
the President and some fruits in front of the guests. I checked the table
carefully; every drink there is like anything from a Nigerian fridge. And not
even a small stain of oil on the table.”
“You were looking for stains on the table as proof
that the lunch actually took place? Did that look like a bukateria to you? Hen?
Obviously, the only thing you are used to is gbegiri and amala kind of lunch.
When big men eat, they don’t litter and stain their clothes and the table the
way small animals like you do. And their mouths don’t drop oil. If that
happens, there would be stewards to clean things up.”
“You are assuming some big men have table manners. You
don’t know anything. They should show us the video then, and more useful
photographs. And why didn’t the party leaders travel with the President’s media
team and the Minister of Information? All these dem say, dem say, Okorocha told
me. All of a sudden Okorocha has become the Minister of Information. You
think if they asked Alhaji Lai Mohammed to also come and eat in London, he will
say he is busy?”
“I see your problem is that some people had lunch with
the President.”
“Someone in fact told me that the picture looks very
familiar.”
“You may need to prove that.”
“Okay, Mrs Buhari also went to London to visit her
husband. Where are the photographs of her own visit? Why didn’t they show a
picture of her sitting with the President?”
“You are a foolish man. You want photos of the
President and his wife, sitting together in za ozza room? Candidly, tell me you
are asking for photographs from the Presidential ozza room? You are sick. No
President takes pictures in that other room.”
“Donald Trump will gladly take a picture anywhere. You
don’t get my point”
“I get your point. You are just another wailing
wailer, a merchant of lies and a mischief-maker. We know your type.”
“I am only trying to help. When you set out to tackle
disinformation, you look out for pitfalls that can create doubt and you deliver
a sucker-punch to shut people up. You don’t address an issue by creating more
doubts. I am talking strategy. All of this would also have been more convincing
if it was the picture of Acting President Osinbajo having dinner or breakfast
with the President in London that they showed us.”
“The acting President didn’t go to London to eat. He
went for serious business to consult with his boss. And what if he was
fasting at the time?”
“He could have posed for a photo-op with his boss.”
“He was in a hurry. He rushed to London and rushed out
to attend Council meeting on a Wednesday.”
“In a hurry to take a photograph to allay the anxiety
of Nigerians?”
“People like you would still have said the photograph
looked familiar.”
“Nigerians are not convinced. They would probably have
given Mrs. Buhari and the Acting President the benefit of the doubt but they
won’t believe what an APC Governor says. Okorocha ke?”.
“Oh ye descendants of Shimei!”
“Shimei? Who is Shimei?”
“You are a Christian and you have never heard of
Shimei?”
“No”
“Okay, just continue you hear. Just make sure you
don’t lose your head in the process. Just because we are in a democracy, you
think you can be questioning everything. Oh ye descendants of Shimei in
Nigeria, beware…beware!”
“I have an idea.”
“Yes?”
“See, I think the government can still score a
master-stroke, if they arrange for Femi Fani-Kayode and Governor Ayo Fayose to
also go to London and have lunch with the President. People are likely to
believe the two of them. Fayose will then use his own mouth to inform Nigerians
that he made a mistake when he said the President was on life-support and
Fani-Kayode will recant and both of them will apologize.”
“Clap for yourself. I see you truly consider
yourself a political strategist. So if you are working for President
Buhari you will actually invite those two Yorubas to lunch with the President
while he is on a medical vacation that is making everyone anxious.”
“Why not? The President is the President of everybody.
He is the President of all Nigerians not 95%. And if you are concerned
about those two being Yoruba, we can have a Federal character representation.
They can invite Nnamdi Kanu from the East and Alhaji Balarabe Musa from the
North. Lunch in London with Baba, an organized event covered by the media.”
“Nnamdi Kanu! Did you say Nnamdi Kanu? Are you on some
kind of medication?”
“If the objective is to prove to Nigerians that the
President is not bed-ridden, he should have lunch with people Nigerians are
likely to believe.”
“So if Fani-Kayode, Fayose and Nnamdi Kanu return from
London and they decide to say something else, who will bear the risk? Or they
turn down the invitation on the grounds that it is a calculated attempt by the
Nigerian state to blackmail and poison them, who will defend the Nigerian
state?”
“You are giving the dog a bad name”
“Then it means you know nothing about politics.”
“I am not joking. I can even add one more person to
the list, how about the Catholic priest, Ejike Mbaka who claims he has been
hearing cries falling like rains in Aso Rock?”
“If Fr. Mbaka saw visions of cries and rains, he
probably saw the floods that are now ravaging the country from South to North.
But keep adding people. You can even add Hushpuppi, Maheeda and Bobrisky. But I
bet you will also be the first to complain that they are using Nigerian
or-yer-l money to have lunch in London.”
“In that case, let them just do a London edition of
the Presidential Media Chat.”
“Nobody is going to do any media chat. Nigerians must
learn to trust their government for once. When you go into government, people
treat you anyhow.”
“It is our government. We have the right to ask
questions. You can’t keep rejecting everything that I suggest. Okay, let the
Nigerian High Commission in London organize a Town Hall meeting between
President Buhari and Nigerians in the UK. That is a cost-effective way of
correcting impressions. Nigerians want to be sure that their President is well,
alive and fit. This thing is not rocket science and I trust our brothers and
sisters in diaspora to report the truth. ”
“You want to sabotage the President. You want him to
interact with PDP members in diaspora.”
“I never mentioned PDP. There are APC members in the
UK too and there are persons who have no political affiliation. Anyway, when is
Baba coming back?”
“When his doctors say so or according to Governor
Okorocha, in two weeks‘ time.”
“But the Constitution is very clear. It says…”
“Forget about the Constitution. This is national
politics, stability and security. We don’t care what the Constitution
says. Be careful, when Baba returns Insha Allah, something will
definitely be done about all you hyenas, jackals and small, small animals
disturbing this government. Insha Allah.”
“Stop bragging. There should be room in this your
kingdom for all animals please. Nobody should intimidate anybody. That is why I
am happy that the House of Representatives is now considering the
Not-Too-Young-To-Run Bill. They have reduced the minimum age for eligibility
for the office of President to 35.”
“Thirty-five. I don’t have a problem with that.”
“You shouldn’t. The only problem is that you are a
fascist. But there should be other bills: a Too-Old-To-Run bill that will
prevent Aso Rock from being turned into an Old People’s Home and a bill that
says the minimum qualification for anybody seeking any office, from councilor
to President should be a university degree or its equivalent.”
“What has a university degree got to do with politics
and governance?”
“Everything”
“Some of the worst people in this country are
university graduates. So?”
“You just keep disagreeing with everything. Okay, are
you aware that some people are now saying Nigeria is now definitely on
auto-pilot?”
“Nigeria is not on auto-pilot. Professor Osinbajo is
in charge and all of you wishing us evil, just know that there will be serious
consequences.”
“What consequences? Threats. Threats. Threats. The
government cannot continue to threaten the people. It is just so sad that civil
society and the Nigerian media have been badly compromised. Where are the
intellectuals of old, the professional activists, the pro-democracy coalition;
they are all so quiet. I believe they are quiet out of shame and regret.”
“Nobody is ashamed. That is a strategy. I am surprised
you can’t even identify the strategy. You think this government will wait and
fold its arms and allow all of you to start sounding like paid enemies?”
“You and your people should just realize that this is
a democracy and that someday, tomorrow will come and the people will
remember.”
“Hey, sorry hen, wailing wailer. I see the thing is
paining you. For your information, Baba will win again in 2019.”
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